14 - Introspective Cleaning write out

< Continued from 42 - Musing on 'God is pure love' on Meditational Musings >

I've actually kept a public record of my thoughts a few times. Different sites, from journaling sites to a couple social media, to platforms not specifically designed for the way I used them, but not taking issue with it either. *chuckles* Usually ended up with at least a handful of people reading it just randomly (if you put it on the internet, there's a good chance it'll be seen by someone, somewhere, sometime). 

Each time it ended...um, poorly would be a good way to put it. Lost friendships, alienated family members, wounded relationships... Seemed like every time I was openly me - all of me - everything around me went away. So, the building of belief structures saying not just 'it's not safe to be me', but that 'I'm not worthy of love if I am me'.

I'm reminded of a time I was told by a girl I went to school with, in middle school, that "Nobody likes you." I can't remember anymore if there was anything else said around that. That part sticks out right now, though, as the underlying memory for the belief structure.

I remember being hurt by that for a long time, but not any of the thoughts I had around the subject back then. I know I carried it with me for a long time, though. Years. Then I saw her working at a bank I'd walked into with my then-husband. 

I have no idea if she remembered me - we didn't talk at all, from what I recall. But I remember the look on her face. Something on it said to me that she remembered me and felt a sense of remorse for it. I told a story in my head, deciding what it might mean even while acknowledging I had no idea what she was -actually- thinking. I could then daydream about us actually having that conversation and imagine to myself how it might go. And, eventually, I came to a place of the daydream being able to make peace about it. Not hold it against her anymore.

I still held it against me, though. That idea that nobody likes me when I'm just being me. So...seems logical the belief structure built up and the fear of it created, repeatedly, situations where being myself results in loss of connection with others.

This blog is, in essence, a way for me to practice my 'walking meditation'. I know it's public, which means I know it can be seen. The more honest and open and raw i am with my thoughts, the more vulnerable I make myself. I know this.

That's why, for now, comments are off. It's taken me a long time to even -want- to start writing again, like this. I still don't exactly want to be ...social about it at all. 

I also know my email address is available, which means I could get comments that way and that I could get 'hate mail'. I think I've worked my anxiety around enough to feel like...if someone goes to -that- much trouble to contact me, I must mean something to them...so...love me or hate me, something I said struck home. And...while it's not my intent to trigger anyone, ever, into feeling pain, or anger, or anything truly unpleasant...I -do- like making people think. At the very least, encouraging thought. Contemplation. 

I'm something of a philosopher at heart, I think. I love psychology and the way the mind works. I love the inner workings of it all - of biology, too, to perhaps a lesser extent. I thought of getting a degree in psychology at one point - becoming a therapist or the like, because I do like to help people and offer advice on how they might achieve their objectives (reminded of hearing a friend complain of her health and sending her links to various videos, articles, and profiles of people who might be able to help). Never ultimately went that route because I learned the education system is illogical to me. I'm not interested in being forced to pay for classes, let alone waste my time (a resource we're taught we can never recover), on subjects that have nothing to do with what I want to pursue. Yes, I understand the logic usually offered in favor of 'general ed', I still think it's a ridiculous waste of time. Especially these days...

But I digress. I rejected formal education, but never lost the love of the mind and how it works. Understanding it is a wonderful tool for writing characters, and I have a love of writing (clearly lol). Journaling is a great way -

I see this going in circles. There's an attachment in here - feeling a constricting sensation in my chest. Time to meditate, see what comes up, and do some cleaning again.

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I like to show the best of me, not the mess of me. I don't like to be open and vulnerable. I think most of us don't, on some level, but I could be wrong.

I have withdrawn from social interactions as much as possible over the years. I like having one person that I'm close with, maybe up to 4 though it's be a long time since I've had more than 1, and otherwise keeping to myself.

I have a few pictures from childhood of birthdays and ...what I can only assume is a Halloween party, where there were a lot of other children present, and I wonder if I had friends or if these events were orchestrated by the adults and the other children were brought to the party rather than were wanting to come. 

I have pictures of my 16th birthday party, and there were at least a dozen other kids there. I remember being able to count each of them as someone I at least knew fondly, even if we didn't share deep, personal discussions, and I wonder, were those friends? 

I have - or had, I think it got lost in the shuffle when I left Texas - a large posterboard that had been drawn on and signed as a happy birthday. The thing had to have been 2' x 3' large. A lot of the people from the 16th party photo, and a number of new ones, filled the entire space of it. I remember considering them all friends.

We all change over the years, and I know myself well enough to know that my personality has sort of done an about-face of sorts more than once in my life. Almost entirely based on the belief structure I chase tonight. I write my thoughts out here, with the intent of publishing them, in order for even one other person to wander across it, resonate with it, and find a way through their own mental barriers.

All of those people from the past, I am no longer in any sort of contact with (at least as of writing this, who knows what the future holds). I faulted some of those friends for a long time for disappearing on me.

I fault none of them anymore, though I don't go out of my way to contact anyone about it now. I've done that a few times - contacted people from the past. We all change, in one way or another. So I adopt the philosophy of 'some people are meant for a season, some a lifetime, and some a reason.' 

The challenge ends up being what that reason is defined as, and how attached I am to the emotion and story of it. Sometimes it helps to figure out how to not judge another for the situation I'm feeling upset about. Sometimes it helps more to figure out how not to tear myself down about it. Either way, coming to a place of being able to balance the scales of judgement, so to speak - one side being them, the other being myself - makes it easier to then step back and observe the whole thing neutrally. Then it's easier to step back and let it go entirely. The memory of it remains, but the emotional charge is gone and internal behavior changes, reactions to situations start to change.

So, I leave a way to contact me, because I like the idea of being able to answer questions, but I make it take a little longer in hopes that I'll only receive contact from people I can be of value to by being myself. Preferably as more than just a trigger catalyst. lol

Ultimately, I want to -know- what ...Jesus, Yeshua, Isa, call him what you will, but I want to know on a deep level what he knew. Not just follow what he taught, but know what he knew. Granted, when I started on my path of meditation and such some 20 years ago due to anxiety/stress related health issues I had no thought that the man might've been not just a historical person, but someone who potentially studied in Tibet and India, thus potentially being someone who had reached such a deep state of walking meditation that he could perform what most call miracles. Do I know that true for fact now? Nope. Lots of debate around the subject - and I'm not just speaking about the population at large. I debate it back and forth with myself. Both sides have a good case. Ultimately, I don't care at this point, to be honest.

What I do care about is practicing getting better at navigating my own social anxiety and the results I get from what I practice. Practicing meditation gave me back the ability to hold down a job and to leave that job on my own terms. Practicing self-love and acceptance allows me to see my patterns more and make conscious changes. Practicing nonduality seems to be opening a very interesting door for myself and my partner. I don't know where it will lead, so I hesitate to offer guidance on the subject. I place my thoughts online, hoping they will help another, but knowing they at least help possibly build a better belief structure.